Speaking of Snakes
by Love Psychedelico
Summary: [CRACK] Test how dirty your mind is! About a terrible horrible misunderstanding which happens when Vancha and Evra talk about snakes. Evra is of course talking about the reptile, snake, where as Vancha is talking about...you'll see.


**A.N.** - Something inspired by a Gravi fic my friend sent me. A LOT of dirt-talk, suggestiveness, sexual references (straight, slash, incest, all kinds.). About a terrible horrible misunderstanding which happens when Vancha and Evra talk about snakes. Evra is of course talking about the reptile, snake, where as Vancha is talking about. . . . you'll see.

If you read it with a clean mind, it shouldn't be dirty at all. Anything dirty is the product of your own filthy brain, you dirty DS fans!

**Disclaimer**- I do not own Darren Shan, Vancha, Evra, or Evra's 'snake'. Mr Tall owns _that_. --giggle--

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Speaking of Snakes. . . .

With help of - **Inyx**, as usual, duh. You know that _very _interesting IM talk we had about 'washing snakes'? So, during Uni exam practice today I thought of you and decided to write this. I think it is going to be chaotic. Sue me.

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'So. How've you been?' Vancha asked, mouth full, stuffing his face with sausages that Truska had made and Evra had delivered to his van (it was breakfast for most people but dinner for Vancha).

It was years since he last saw the snakeboy - snake_man_, now it seemed - the little scaly boy had grown almost as tall as the scruffy Prince was. Moreover, he had gotten _married_. And he had _kids_. Now _that_, was something.

'Great, thanks,' Evra replied, smiling broadly as he watched Vancha scoff and eat and grunt and swallow, a half-dimple forming at his scaly cheek.

That smile was just the same as that of ten years ago - but his voice had deepened by a couple of notches, husky and cool.

'You?'

'Fine. Don't have to return to the stupid Mountain for a while, yet. Bah! Hate it there. No worthwhile women - they're all too muscly and tall and strong, yanno.' Vancha grunted, chewed up sausage flying from his mouth.

Evra laughed, sitting down on one of the desks, his captivating emerald eyes glinting through the lime green hair falling onto his face.

'You haven't changed a bit.'

'Tis but my fate. And I'd like to say neither have you, but I don't want to lie. So let me ask, now - what the _hell _happened?'

'Well, . . . ' Evra chuckled, throwing his head back and staring at the ceiling, 'I met Merla.'

'Obviously, yes. But last time I was here, I thought your sweetheart was Hi. . .'

'Shh. We can't talk about that, because,' Evra dropped his voice, getting closer to Vancha, 'Merla sticks her ears just about anywhere, and she can hear conversations a mile away.'

'Right.' Vancha sighed, gulping down the last sausage - then asked with a leud smirk:

'So Merla's the one who takes care of your. . . 'snake', now, is she?'

'My snake? Oh, my snake's quite large now, do you want me to show you?'

Evra grinned, his smooth tenor rising with joy;

'I oil and wash my snake every night, to keep good health.'

'I see you've. . . grown up,' Vancha exclaimed, quite shocked, 'but it _is _a very healthy thing for a man to do, of course. I admire you.'

'Well, it's quite relaxing, too. These days I can never go to sleep without washing and oiling my snake properly. I enjoy it to no extent.' Evra said, nodding to himself happily.

Vancha shot him a mildly amused look, then leaned back on his chair and burped.

'Well, I only occasionally wash _my_ 'snake', I never really oil it. It's. . . . uncomfortable. Truska tried to once, but I had to stop her. I can't see how you can stand having an oily 'snake'.'

'Well, Merla and the kids don't mind. Sometimes I even let _her _wash my snake.'

'She 'washes' your 'snake', I see. . . It's good to hear you have a healthy relationship with your wife.'

'Yes. . . Though, I must say Shancus does it much better. He washes perfectly, knowing how sensitive the scales are. He has a born talent, that boy.' Evra grinned proudly, while Vancha choked and spluttered.

'Well, a good father-and-son relationship is always great, I suppose.'

'I love how Shancus washes my snake, but I don't like how he uses the oil. He doesn't know how to do it right - he upsets my snake sometimes, it's really quite awkward.'

'I. . . .see. But you can't blame it on little Shankie, he still doesn't know how 'upset' snakes can get.'

'Oh yes, I _try _to teach him, but no, I think he's still way too young. He made my snake so upset the other day that it actually purged all over the place. My snake was still hot and trembling when I took it away from him, I swear. I told him I'll never let him touch my snake again - and he cried.'

Uncomfortable silence from Vancha, and then a burp.

'. . . Er. . . Sometimes those things just happen. Maybe it wasn't Shancus's fault, eh?'

'It was probably my fault, I know. . . but Shancus needs to learn how to oil snakes properly. Like Hibernius - oh, you should just _see_ how Hibernius oils my snake, it's wonderful! He knows _just _where to stroke and oil my snake, his techniques are just unbelievable.'

'Well,. . .' Vancha was at a loss for words, as he chewed on his nail, 'I guess Hibernius has had a lot more experience with 'snakes', it's understandable.'

'Maybe one day I should get Hibernius to teach my children how to oil snakes. They're very curious about my snake, you see. Urcha just keeps on trying to touch my snake - he's far too young to go playing with snakes, don't you think?'

'Absolutely. Absolutely, Evra. I agree wholeheartedly. But you have to realise it's normal for boys his age to be curious about 'snakes'.'

'Yes, I admit, I started playing with snakes at a very young age. My snake was always quite large for my age, you see. Hibernius always helped me take care of it, when it got too difficult ot manage.'

'So he taught you how to 'oil' your 'snake'?'

'Yes, as soon as I joined the cirque. I loved it so much - even at that age, it gave me much pleasure, and I began to do it every day and night. I love it.'

'So. . . do you love your 'snake'?'

'Of _course_ I love my snake! I'm so proud of my snake, I could show _anyone_. People just _gape_ at my snake when I show it around on the cirque stage.'

'This must be some kind of new addition to the show. . .?'

'Oh, no, what are you saying, Vancha, I _always_ showed my snake around.'

'Really?. . . .Well. . . It's good to see you're sharing the pleasure.'

'Yes, I want people to love my snake as much as _I _love my snake.'

'Perfectly understandable.' Vancha nodded, picking his nose. Evra nodded, then pouted slightly.

'But sometimes people love my snake so much that it gets very competitive, you see. For example - you know Cormac, yes? Well, he grabbed my snake last week, and he upset it. Rhamus was much more violent, he groped at it as a joke, and it earned him a bite on his thigh.'

'Kinky. . .'

'What?'

'Nothing. By the way, does Merla know about all these men touching your 'snake'? Is she alright with it?'

'Well. . .,' Evra bit his lip, looking a little guilty, 'I never tell her about it. It would upset her. But I think she's alright with Hibernius oiling my snake. Hibernius just can't keep his hands off my snake, you know. It's always been like that, since when I was a kid. We both enjoy it very much.'

'You should tell Hib that, he'd be very happy to know you appreciate his. . . .care.'

'I tell him every day, Vancha. The other cirque members, though, I don't like them touching my snake too often. They're not as talented as Hibernius, they might just damage my perfect, beautiful snake.'

'It's good to see you're proud of your beautiful 'snake'. If I were as well endowed as you, then perhaps I would have also been proud of my snake.'

'You _have _a snake?'

'What, are you doubting?'

Vancha growled, thorougly insulted. Evra blinked.

'Sorry. I just never knew that you had a snake. Can you show me?'

'You want to see my snake?'

It was Vancha's turn to blink back at Evra. Evra grinned.

'Of _course_ I want to see your snake! You may think I'm only interested in my snake, but I love seeing other people's snakes, too!'

'Really? You're actually the first ever person who wanted to see my snake. Are you sure, because I'm not sure if you're going to like it.'

'I'm sure it's _beautiful_, Vancha! Maybe our snakes can make friends, or we could wash and oil each other's snakes!'

Evra bobbed on the desk where he sat, excitement twinkling in his eyes.

'Come on, Vancha - show me your snake!'

'. . . Alright Evra, if you so insist. . .'

And so Vancha stood up to show Evra his 'snake' - which of course, was quite different to what Evra had expected - and meant, the whole way through.

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A.N.

- WAAH, dont' kill me don't kill me don't kill me! Moch was telling me to upload it, kill , not ! Besides, if you read that fic and thought 'HOW DISGUSTING WAS THAT!', it just proves to you how dirty your mind is. I wrote it entirely as a cute little fic about snakes. Nothing else. XP 

Spare me reviews that say 'EW', 'I HATE YOU', 'DIE', 'DISGUSTING', and other insults - that's just like proclaiming to the world how dirty your mind is. Also, when flaming, please leave your name and e-mail adress, so I at least have a chance to get back at you with an intelligent comeback.

To Flamers: LEAVE YOUR E-MAIL, I SAY! COWARDS!


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